The treacherous day of Black Friday has passed us but the stench of desperation still lingers. Black Friday is an infamous day of shopping where consumers totally lose sight of their once so dear morals and values. Instead an unruly beast emerges inside all of them that takes hold and won't release them from its clutches until this fever passes. Once it passes you can breathe again, but don't let out out that sigh of relief too fast because pretty soon your pockets and bank accounts will mock you.
Due to curiosity, my two friends and I ventured out into the world of Black Friday. I was somewhat prepared as I usually am in certain circumstances. I had my stomping boots, a can of mace, and a pen. I carried my backpack which held my precious cleats which haven't been used since my last visit at CVA. One must always be prepared to stomp these animals just to make sure they stay in line. I knew going into this it would be a gruesome blood bath but what I wasn't prepared for was how amusing and determined these Black Friday shoppers would be.
So, Thursday at 11pm, my friends and I went to the Mall of America. Parking was awful. When I go to Hell, Black Friday parking will definitely be part of my Hell. It will leave you endlessly searching for a parking spot that doesn't even exist. The entire time I will be searching for a spot, I will be raising my rebel fist out the window screaming, "YOU ROTTEN BASTARDS!" There was no fucking parking...ANYWHERE! Only a deranged person would attempt to find parking at the MOA on Black Friday. Instead we parked at an apartment complex, walked across the street, and courageously entered the mall.
Now, I have never officially gone Black Friday shopping. I have only heard the horror stories, and a few stories of success. I'm one of those people who doesn't get all wrapped up in the hoop-lah of things. I prefer to be an outsider, more so an observer and an analyzer of human behavior. Black Friday is a big day for consumers who relish the idea of getting "great deals", "steals", and "bargains". Unlike these people humping the American Dream I stay at home cursing all of you with my bottle of vodka and a 6 pack of Fat Tire. After all who could turn their back on a friends like that? I'll never surrender you fools! Anyways...Black Friday is meant to help boost our shotty economy and get people ready for the spirit of giving, but really all it does is show that we are cheap and materialistic. The Amish probably sit around and tell their children horror stories about Black Friday. They sit and gasp and let out blood curtling screams. The children shield their ears and promise their parents they will never sin again, and they beg to never hear such stories. But of course Black Friday does go on every year, and every year they open earlier in hopes to make that extra dollar.
As I braced myself, I knew I was going to witness some rancid stuff. As I looked around at all these shoppers, I saw they meant business and they were not to be fucked with, and neither was I. Some serious shit was about to go down at midnight and I had an aching feeling of hostility and regret in the pit of my stomach. How anyone could get around in this muck was questionable. The first floor was flooded with shoppers who were eagerly pushing and shoving to get to the front. One of my friends decided to take the liberty of woohooing the crowds. With their adrenaline rushing they screeched back like a pack of wild hyenas at feeding time.
Midnight hit and all you could see was a sea of bodies trampling into the stores. Their eyes were filled with excitement and they all had one thing on their mind: shop. It's the same way a coke fiend reacts when they know they are about to score an eightball that they somehow got a discount for because they are a frequent buyer. All it takes is a pocket full of money and determination and you score. It's all about getting a deal and that high that one so desperately craves and needs in order to survive.
As the screaming and shoving continued we trudged our way to the exit. I had enough of this chaotic nonsense. MOA was too big and unpredictable, so we strolled our way back to the car and set off to South Town. I had an inkling that the shoppers would not be as blood thirsty as the ones at the MOA. Unfortunately, my theory was proven wrong when we arrived at Target. SUVs and trucks were lined up, anxiously waiting for their friends or family to come out with purchases. People were hauling carts upon carts stuffed with HD TVs and other items they deemed valuable. The dread started to kick in and I started to curse myself for being such a fool on such a jolly night.
I wanted out, but I kept forward because this was a different crowd. Their energy was raw and their nerves had been frayed. They wanted to get the fuck out but chose not to. Some of them had searching eyes that were longing for the exit but they stayed waiting in line for 2 hours to check out. I heard children begging their mothers to bring them home. I saw mothers and daughters scheming on how they were going to get everything on their shopping list. The elderly were slowly making their way through the store praying to their Lord and Savior that they wouldn't be visiting the emergency room due to a broken hip that resulted in an ill-fated shove from a ruthless shopper. Many of these shoppers looked hungover from a hearty Thanksgiving meal.
Bad vibes and boredom filled me, so I told my friends let's bail. As we departed, one of my friends and I were still curious to see what kind of life was breeding at the other stores. By this time it was 2am. To my despair, it was the same thing at other stores; zombie like creatures wading their way through the crowds and check out lines. Throughout our final stop, my other friend kept whining about us bring him home and he proceeded to the employees that we were shooting him up with cocaine. I, too, started to feel his desperation. So we left, thus ending our fruitless curiosity of Black Friday.
I honestly don't know if I will ever venture out again on Black Friday. I think someone would have to offer me a handful of stimulants and a pint of vodka before I ever do that again. I understand the desire to save money but never to the point of waiting in lines for hours. Black Friday goes on my shit list right next to Richard Nixon. Take that you heartless bastards! Harharhar! Screw your penny pinching ideas of saving. I say cherish the people who are in your life, and rather than buying them a gift spend time with them and thank them. Because when it all comes down to it those things are just materialistic items that will never grant you the happiness you desire.
